Jul - Dec 2006

31 Dec 06 - New Year Resolutions
It is pretty scary to think where one's future lies when one wake up one fine day and realised that there is a fucking big lump in one's throat. After seeing the doctor, one learned that the damn lump is cancerous and one will only have a finite period of time left before death. But then again, this is not the worst scenario; at least one is clear of what is going to happen. Worst case is; the truth is being hidden away from the person whom it matters most; for fear that one will give up seeking medical treatment. And what will happen if I was the one?

In short, it has been an interesting year. It started with lots of promises; I got into an interesting project at work, it progressed into a session of breaking promises; I broke up with my girlfriend, it ended with empty promises; I didn't lose it in 2006. That's about what I can best summarise for the year.

Now with 2006 coming to an end, I wondered what my New Year resolutions would be? To make my long-awaited pilgrimage to Laos? To quit drinking? Can I ever stop drinking?

Instead, I went to Malacca to settle some urgent family business. And sad to say, Malacca is no longer Malacca. While I was there, I drank with him for the first time in 28 years. The proceedings went so much better than I expected; there were no silly arguments that I often experienced when I talked to those idiots; the term "generation gap" was simply NOT in the dictionary of the day. In short, a much-deserved frank discussion ensured interest throughout the evening.

It was a pretty daunting experience; especially when I just heard the bad news from the doctor. My mind was racing for answers to the thousands of questions I had: Does he know the bad news? How many more drinking sessions will he have? Will this be the first and last session with him? Will he be angry or disappointed when I didn't drink with him because I was so tired from all that travelling and the lack of sleep? Did he suspect anything when I spin out a stupid reason and pulled my mum away for a quiet discussion? What about the 2 tubes of toothpaste? What about this? What about that?

It is certainly a lousy feeling to cancel one's trip at the eleventh hour. Pretty much at a loss now. But then again, it is definitely more painful to be diagnosed with cancer.

I actually saw her walking down the stairs from the train station today. She is all white: white top, white skirt, white handbag and white shoes. Avoided calling out to her; there was nothing to talk about anyway. But just to be funny, I pretended I was her, tracing her footpath back to her house (it was the void deck actually). After crossing a road, I lost her. Although she must have decided to take another route, I had this wild hope that she was behind, faithfully following me back home. Such is what a boring man will wish for on a stupid rainy day.

As I was reaching her place, I knew that I had really lost her. While I was counting the number of rain drops that landed on my umbrella, a white flash went passed me. Nope, it wasn't a ghost. Ghosts don't appear on wet rainy nights.

It was her. She actually walks faster than me! That's all folks.

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Dear fans (if there's any), after months of dreaming and deliberation, I finally made up my mind and got my air tickets to Jogyakarta (it's Solo City actually) for the much-awaited Borobudur visit. Be sure to hit your wyattwang.com link in your favorites folder often to catch the new updates!

25 Dec 06 - The Big Blog On It
I always wanted to blog about It. Somehow, I had not found the courage to do it till now.

It is always associated with sex, or I should specified, the lack of it. To some, it's simply a virtue to only have one's first bite on the forbidden fruit during the wedding night; think what your parents used to nag about. For others, it's simply about being uncool to be in hanging around (literally) in the sexual wilderness; think Hollywood movies like "40-year old Virgins". One can see these as stupid society conforms, in either direction.

I had always maintained (never been afraid to admit) that I still had It, except it seems like NO ONE believes it. To ease the situation, I tried to laugh it off sometimes. But whenever one idiot gives me that stupid "I don't believe" look, I wandered myself into frenzy. Do I look like a sex-hungry loser who goes around jumping on anyone I see?

On the other hand, I believe there may be people out there who are secretly laughing at me for having It at such an old age. Yes, I may sound paranoid. But I believe these are sex-hungry losers who go around jumping on anyone they see. Maybe they are indirectly helping me to keep It. It's a scam.

But I simply don't care. Everybody's busy making love during Christmas and here I am reading a book on the devil's liberation. But why is everybody having fun when I am not? Maybe I am just jealous, in short.

Let me provide some background. I have met "Someone" in a religious society a couple of months ago and he was surprised to see me indulging in my drinking habit (I refused to call it an addiction or issue) since our religion does not encourage drinking. I looked at him (my hand was still holding to a pint of Erdinger) and gave a broad grin. In fact, I was embarrassed and had no answer for him. The situation was really bad.

Though I had not explicitly discussed about this, the drinking component (see, I am avoiding terms like addiction or issue) of my life is one of those "dark" secret that I would like to keep "hidden" under my pillow. It may sound damn silly, but it is one of those things, which I know that its wrong but I can't bring myself to stop doing it. I spent so much time and energy arguing with my inner self on this, but in the end, nothing gets resolved. The more I drink, the more I feel guilty. The more I feel guilty, the more I drink and vice versa.

It's a vicious cycle. Enough said.

Just another one of those days where I arrived late for work. My boss seems to have a predicament about this. She asked me not to sleep too late while we were on Google talk discussing about Friday BBQ with the Farangs. Shit happens, should have known that and forced myself to sleep early. Damn it.

Coupled with renovation works (at least it looks so much neater when the kitchen floor and wall tiles are completed), my uncle's sudden "medical" condition (keeping my fingers cross that it will work out) and all the Farang meetings for the next 2 weeks, I reckon it will be an exciting December.

All I hope now is to board a flight to Borobudur and hide under a carton of Bintangs.

I always thought that I missed the queen. But where is her when the kingdom doesn't exist in the first place?

Will be pretty busy for the next few weeks as my dear angmos will be here in Sillypore for 2 weeks and there will be all sorts of co-ordination work to do. Renovation of mum's flat is starting in end Nov will mean the flat will be in a mess. Somehow I wish all this shitty stuff will pass me by soon.

To keep my spirits up (yes, it's pretty low at the moment), I am thinking of sneaking a trip (during mid Dec) to Yogyakarta, Indonesia for a visit to Borobudur. Nothing is confirmed (as usual) but I am keeping my fingers crossed.

What better way to end your day is to check your work email just before you sleep and realise that there are a whole load of stupid emails waiting for you. I ought to be shot.

It must have been a great joke, when I told the world how I mistrusted marriage, the commitments and responsibilities that came with it. It must have been a scary joke, that I told you (after 5 long years) that this was true. It must had been a stupid joke, that I actually enjoyed helping out in my friend's wedding, eating crackers (with disgusting connotations), doing star jumps like an idiot, smiling at someone whom I don't even know (at the reception) and organising the guests in order so that they can all take pictures with the newly-weds. I thought I hated weddings, thinking it's a waste of time and is constantly trying to get my ass out of it. Maybe it is just like my right hand slapping the left. It is absolutely silly.

Perhaps it was actually no big deal after all (i.e. to help in a wedding, NOT to get married).

Note that I usually don't blog about such stuff. But you can imagine the empowering effects the scent had on me to motivate a blog out of it.

Hey fans, the Krakow page is out. Why are you still looking at the picture above? I checked... you can't see my little dickie!

It's amazing to realise it has been 2 weeks since I blogged. Nothing useful came out from the 2 weeks; it was meetings, meetings and alot more meetings. I was also informed that there is going to be a structural change to my team; I will C JAVA again. And I don’t mean a trip to the Indonesian island.

Felt guilty for not working on my Krakow and Berlin/Munich blogs. This is a reminder to me that I should start moving soon before I forget about it. My dear fans, if you are hard up, there is always a 2-page London teaser blog to keep you going!

Frankly speaking. I am feeling all strange and weary about these. Why bother getting married when everyone knows it is going to end one day? I know sometimes human beings are hungry for some kiss and cuddle. Yes, I don't mind a cuddle as well because I am red blooded and do feel lonely as well. But what is the price of that? A lifelong worth of commitments? Hmmm, I will be better off drowning in a pool of beer (make it an IPA please) rather than to set someone's expectations wrong.

I am glad that I do not have 4 weddings to attend: who knows; another funeral might just pop up. *Touchwood*

But I am feeling pretty excited. And who can blame me? Just 8 hours more and I will be on my first visit to Europe (UK, Poland and Germany). 9 days and 5 cities (London, Krakow, Berlin, Munich and Frankfurt), it will be a "touch and go" trip. Some people might think I am crazy. But somehow, I can't bear to take any of those cities out from my plans.

As something cropped up urgently in a religious society that I was volunteering in, I had to skip a sumptuous "white pepper crabs" dinner outing with my colleagues. While I shall not go into details on the messages that I received from my colleagues, I shall focus on the experience that I encountered.

Let me provide some background first. Crabs had to be kept alive and killed just before the chef prepares the dish. Their fate is usually sealed when an enthusiastic crab lover points at the damn creature. Perhaps all this is just a coincidence. While I was listening to a dharma speech recording last evening, the speaker mentions about breaking one's precepts when one kills directly or indirectly. The example she gave (needless to say in this context) was to order live seafood for dinner. When I heard that, I immediately recalled the dinner appointment. While I tried to play it low by telling myself I will try not to eat too much of the damn stuff, I wonder was it due to some heavenly intervention (I was called back to handle something urgently) that I will miss the dinner. Sometimes, strange things do happen.

At the end of the day, the experience was overshadowed by my actions of drinking a can of cheapskate beer after I stepped into a 7-Eleven. Sometimes, I think I am just "walking" around in circles, not keeping my precepts but yet acting all holy about it.

P.s: I will be on the move again to Krakow (Auschwitz), Berlin (The Wall) and Munich (Oktoberfest) this friday!

I suppose, these are the perks that you associated with when you are traveling alone.

Ok, I am straying away again. I must have forgotten about my medication.

Siem Reap and Phnom Penh had been eye-opening (though I got a bit "templed" out after rushing the temples of Angkor in 2 days). *Fans: watch for my blog ok?* Though I really wonder if I will ever visit it again. Just like what the Japanese lady (I met her along the way to Phnom Penh) says, there are so many places to visit. When one visits a place, he/she may just discover 10 more places to go. In short, when you are bitten by the travel bug, you can run, but your can't hide. You really can't.

Been reading about Cambodia for the past week. I wondered what Angkor really is. Will I be bored by all the dilated architecture? Perhaps I will do better taking Siestas in my guesthouse during the hot, humid afternoon (with a couple of Angkor Beers?). All mysteries will be revealed tomorrow.

I found myself tidying up loose cables in office last night. We have just set up a LAN and the cables were in an absolute mess. As I didn't want to disrupt office proceedings, I merely tie everything up with a couple of cable ties. In the end, everything looked neat and tidy: the mess apparently remains. I wondered if this is an analogical representation of my life.

1st night: I couldn't sleep as I kept thinking about how well the prize will fit me.
2nd night: I couldn't sleep as I kept thinking why the 3 days seems to be like forever.
3rd night: I couldn't sleep as I kept thinking if the organisers will forfeit my prize as I kept calling them up.
4th night: I couldn't sleep as I kept thinking about how stupid for me to keep thinking about the prize.

The prize came finally and it is on my table, wrapped in newspapers. Been staring at it for the past hour.

I wonder if this is how the human mind works. First, you have a goal and you want to achieve it in the shortest possible time. As the goal gets closer and closer, you get more and more excited. The longer it drags, excitement becomes anxiety and it can really tear you apart. :( In short, can this be termed as "attachment"?

P.S.: The fans must be envious, I know you do. I am on the move again next week to Siem Reap and Phnom Penh. Oh yeah!!

Ok, it’s August. I just wiped out the "sins" that I have committed in Jul 06. Now it stands nil-nil (beer and coke). I have been getting indirect (but significant) hints to stop drinking. My boss, my mum, my colleagues and whoever. I know someday I will stop. But when is that? Perhaps I should just clamp myself in my oyster shell. No one will then know what will happen.

A pilot asked me today where I am going next. I told him Manila (Philippines) without thinking. Maybe I should plan on what to do other than to fool around by drinking San Miguel and taking stupid photographs.

Got an unexpected sms from someone that I least expected to send me a text message. She is sad and wanted to know what has happened. I suppose she must have found out that I had lost her guidebook. I wanted to reply but I couldn't find a good reason to comfort her. I guess guidebooks and their owners don't like me repeating apologies 1000 times. But then again, there's nothing else I can say (and I wish I can do something else).

All these happened, while her magnets gently weep...

I thought it was a nice gesture to be distributing bread on a Sunday evening (I would have preferred to hibernate on whatever hours of the weekend that was left). Wondered if I would have taken the bread if it were given by other organisations? Another one of those question which I am unable to answer.

If you had been following the recent happenings, you would have known that I had recently acquisitioned a cool prosumer digital camera. So I faithfully followed my friend's advice while taking pictures: shoot like you would shoot with the M16, breath in and tuck your shoulders. I memorised that by hard and chanted the phrase 10 times before I took a picture. I thought I was cool and my pictures would bring me to higher heights. Perhaps an award-winning photographer or something. Perhaps I can then give my company the sack.

I don't think my hands were shaking (I wasn't wanking much in Beijing) and the pictures looks good in the viewfinder. BUT when the pictures were loaded into the computer, they looked like shit. Noisy, grainy, greyish, shaky and whatever stupid comments you can give. I was devastated and had to turn to Photoshop for help. I hope I can salvage some sanity back into the pictures.

My first lesson in digital photography had certainly been tough. Apparently I still have a lot to learn before I become an award-winning photographer.

12 Jul 06 - I Lost An Important Piece Of Myself And Yet I Pretended I Didn't Top of Page
On way to office in a grey "shirt-and-tie" costume. Work has been pretty routine for the past 2 days. Everything has been pretty quiet and nothing much happened. I hope it is not the calm before the storm.

When I came back to work on Monday, colleagues were crowding around asking me about escapades in dear Beijing. Was particularly stunned by a colleague with his comments.

"Since she (Beijing) is already over, why am you still keeping the guidebook (my Beijing LP) on the table?”, he asked.

"For memory's sake, I suppose.", I replied lazily.

"But you were the one who wanted out, isn't it?", he snorted.

"Of course! I had to come back to office right?!", I retorted.

I thought it was plain irrational conversation, typically classified as a form of non-communication. I wondered if there is any rationale in him meddling with my affairs (or guidebook). But I realised one important fact. I lost an important part of me (by choice) and probably will not ever get it back. Apologies to anyone were useless. I had to live with it and hope it works out.